YAY! And Yikes! Navigating new adventures by Shari and her three favorite sons

My three favorite sons from left to right: Justin, Zach, and Matt

The night before my oldest son, Zach, boarded the bus for his first summer at sleep away camp, I did what any mother (who also happens to be a psychologist) would do:  I asked him what he was feeling. 

“Excited! And nervous,” he replied. 

I was proud of Zach for recognizing at just nine years old that he could feel two seemingly opposing feelings at the same time. 

These days, I feel a lot like Zach did as he anticipated his new life adventure. 

One day last week, I felt my whole body saying “YAY!,” buzzing with energy and bursting with ideas I hope to share through writing and speaking. A few days later, my husband came home to find me sitting with my head buried in my arms at the kitchen island, overwhelmed by uncertainty about the path ahead of me. 

I’ve had moments of intense fear about stepping so far outside the comfort zone of my small suburban office, exposing myself to criticism, risking public failure, or coming across as cringey. 

Yikes! 

As I ride the vulnerable waves of book writing, feeling excited and nervous, inflated and deflated, energized and depleted, confident and intimidated, I wonder how I’ll navigate the year leading to my publication date of May 18, 2027. 

To be honest, the process is exhausting. 

And exhilarating. 

This experience can feel lonely at times. Although my husband, children, friends, family, and patients are incredibly supportive, they’re watching from the shoreline. Some life experiences we navigate alone, even when others are standing right beside us. 

Have you ever felt alone during a life transition, such as illness, loss, personal growth, or a career change?

There’s no point trying to stuff my experience into a YAY!-only, “that’s amazing!" narrative. My book is getting published. That is amazing.  And it’s also terrifying.  

Like Zach’s anticipation of boarding the Chipinaw camp bus for the first time, my experience contains elements that are pleasant and unpleasant. Giving myself permission to feel all of my emotions makes this a richer, more authentic human experience. 

Speaking of YAY! And Yikes! - have you ever gone zip-lining? 

It’s not exactly my idea of fun and usually I’ve let my family go without me on those gravity-defying excursions.  But during a trip to Costa Rica in 2022 to celebrate my brother-in-law’s 60th birthday, something changed. 

The night before our group of 16 Beckers and significant others was scheduled to zip-line, my  youngest son, Justin, pulled me aside me to make his case. Using his most persuasive (and loving) tactics, he encouraged me to join what he called “the most exciting activity of the trip.” 

I told him that even if I wanted to, I wasn’t sure I could do it. 

He gently reframed it:  this was a perfect opportunity to face something that terrified me and share the experience with others through my writing. I couldn’t resist his sweet urging not to let fear cause me to miss a once-in-a-lifetime family adventure. 

YAY! I made my son proud and chose courage over fear.

Yikes! I let go of the bar - and a long family legacy of fear - and went flying over the treetops across the jungle! 

My smile seems a little tense, no?

Life adventures, even joyful ones, like getting married, having babies, moving, relocating, retiring, starting a new job, traveling, or writing a book, can feel stressful. Instead of painting everything as “sunny,” I try to approach experiences with curiosity rather than assumption. 

Instead of asking, “Was your trip amazing?” I ask, “How was your trip?” I avoid labeling experiences as good or bad, positive or negative, even those that seem obviously good (like getting married or having a baby) or bad (like losing a loved one or getting fired). 

Because life is complicated. 

People are complicated. 

And Yay! and Yikes! often co-exist. 

The Story of the Chinese farmer, a Taoist parable popularized by philosopher Alan Watts, beautifully illustrates this idea.

The Chinese Farmer lived with his son and one horse. One day, the horse ran away. The townspeople came to console the farmer.

“How terrible; we’re so sorry for your loss,”  the townspeople said.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the horse returned with several wild horses. The townspeople came to congratulate the farmer. 

“How wonderful!” 

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the son broke his leg training a wild horse. 

“How awful,” said the townspeople. 

“Maybe,” replied the farmer. 

The following day, soldiers came to town to recruit young men to fight in a war. The farmer’s son was spared because he was injured. 

“How fortunate,” the townspeople said. 

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

Who really knows how things will unfold? 

Which losses will lead to gains and which peaks will lead to valleys? 

Instead of assuming we know the value of a human experience, now or in the future, perhaps we can approach life with an open mind and a humble “maybe.”

By the way, my oldest son, Zach, is getting married in November! My middle son, Matt is graduating with his doctorate in clinical psychology next month! And my youngest son, Justin, is currently on his way to Japan with his girlfriend! 

So exciting, right?? 

Maybe…. 

Since this is the annual Mother’s Day blog, I asked Matt to collaborate again. Then I realized I have two other sons who might have something important to share, so I asked Zach and Justin as well. Their responses were the best Mother’s Day gifts ever.

It’s my pleasure to introduce my favorite youngest son, Justin (25), my favorite middle son, Matt (27), and my favorite oldest son, Zach (29). I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I did!

From left to right: Zach, Justin, and Matt

Here’s Justin ….

Hi everyone! Big moment, the youngest son finally makes his debut. When my mom asked me to help write this with her, I couldn’t say no… mostly because of all the crap I’ve given her for always writing with her second favorite son, Matt.

When I was thinking about what to write about, I remembered something I told her a while ago, that it might be useful to hear from someone without a psychology background. So instead of sharing my own “YAY! or Yikes!” story, I wanted to react to a couple parts of hers that stood out to me.

The first is the idea that I “convinced” her to go zip-lining. I get why it sounds that way, but honestly, I don’t think that’s what happened. From the outside, it looks simple. I pushed, she resisted, and then she went. A clear cause and effect. But what actually changed was something internal. She found a reason that mattered to her, something bigger than the fear. And that’s what stood out to me. We’re quick to label moments like this. Someone does something scary and we call it a “YAY!” moment, or they hesitate and we think it’s all “Yikes,” but we rarely see the full picture.

Even in that one decision, both were happening at the same time. There was fear, hesitation, and doubt, but also excitement, curiosity, and meaning. From the outside, you might only see the outcome. From the inside, it’s both. It’s a good reminder that we never really know what’s going on under the surface for someone else, or even for ourselves. What looks like a clear “YAY!” or a clear “Yikes!” is usually a mix of both.

The second thing that stood out to me was the story of the Chinese farmer. I liked it a lot, but I walked away with a slightly different takeaway than my mom. While she focused on the idea of a humble “maybe,” I kept thinking about mindset.

You can’t control what happens. That part’s true. But you can control how you respond to it. And while staying neutral is one approach, I tend to lean optimistic. Not in a fake, “everything is amazing” way, but in a deliberate effort to find something positive, even if it’s small.

I brought this to life by adding two new practices to my daily journaling:  One lesson learned and one thing I’m grateful for each day. Some days it’s easy. Other days it’s a stretch. But forcing myself to find even one good thing has a way of shifting my perspective more than I expect.

So maybe the farmer is right. Maybe we don’t know how things will turn out. But in the meantime, I’d argue it doesn’t hurt to look for the upside when you can.

Well, that’s it from me. Hopefully I’ll be invited back! 

Here’s Matt …. 

I’m grateful as always to be writing with future best-selling author, Dr. Shari Becker. I am also thrilled for the debut of the newly 25, rapidly sharpening Justin. 

I love my mom’s perspective, admire her bravery, and feel eager to continue supporting her new career journey. I also love Justin’s nuanced observation of the presence of yay and yikes occurring simultaneously. These two emotions stir up our nervous systems and depend on future-oriented ideas; the difference between them seems to be about predictions. 

If we anticipate positive results it feels yay, if negative it feels yikes. As Justin is pointing to, most of us are holding in mind several potential outcomes at once, leading to complex emotional states. Justin likes to lean into his optimism and find reason to believe. That is one great strategy to continue pursuing intimidating and worthwhile undertakings. 

I graduate from my doctoral program in about a month. To tell the truth, I’m pretty much all yay on it; my worries about graduate school are behind me. But the future of my career is uncertain – questions about my career directions, the future of psychology, scary trends in mental health and well-being, robots taking my job, people nonstop asking me about robots taking my job, etc. These questions bring up scary, undesirable, and in some cases inevitable realities. And they remind me of the countless opportunities for adventure, discovery, and perseverance. I don’t think it’s possible to have yay without yikes.  

To feel anxious or excited suggests one thing for sure – emotional investment in a future outcome. Maybe one can live like a true stoic and emotionally detach from outcomes, but most of us cannot (or don’t want to?) So, I consider the state of my mind and think about what the anxiety and excitement are up to. What are they signaling to me? Are they proportionate to how much I care about this? Am I worried about something that truly matters to me, or is it about optics, appearance, pride, etc.?

I am glad to be living a life in which I am invested in how things go, a life to care about. To me, it is worth the inevitable anxiety of things going wrong to try and find life that feels right. Anxieties, yikeses, are not problems to be fixed, but features of deep caring. And when I can recognize that in a moment, allow for the knowledge that I have failed before and will move forward regardless of outcome, the sensation tends to become tolerable. 

I appreciate my mom’s reference to the Taoist parable popularized by Alan Watts. In continuing the theme of referencing Alans, I want to quote another Alan (Parsons) whose song goes, “But the game never ends when your whole world depends / On the turn of a friendly card.” 

I have been talking to my mom about her yikeses. The truth is there are tons of outcomes embedded in her new pursuit that are out of her hands and depend on luck, randomness, and countless other factors. If her game depends on all “friendly cards” showing, then she is a gambler at the whim of the often-brutal universal dealer. If she plays for the love of the game, gives it her best shot, and goes to sleep at night knowing she did all she can, then she cannot lose. Easier said than done, but an attitude worth striving towards and remembering when possible. 

And here’s Zach:

I’m less of a kiss ass than Justin.  I’m also less of an emotional thinker than Matt (that is a blog-friendly description of what I actually want to say).  I will be the first, and apparently the only, of my brothers to admit that I do not give a shit about Chinese farmers.  Not my thing.  I also don’t care about Mother’s Day blogs.  Also not my thing.  (Yikes?)  

What do I care about?  Mother’s Day.  A big YAY from me.  Of course, not in the Hallmark sense—you won’t catch me spending a penny on flowers or a card.  But, Mother’s Day is a chance to be with family (even though any conversation about sports will be expressly prohibited), enjoy some Spring weather (even though I'll be working the whole time), and celebrate Mom.  And to do that, I am leaving my comfort zone and writing a blog rather than drafting a contract.     

The Chipinaw bus certainly reflected a monumental change in my life at the time.  It also reflected a monumental change in Mom’s life at the time.  Her first son (if I were Justin I would say “favorite,” but I’m confident enough in my status to not annoyingly proclaim such status in literally every family conversation) to go to sleep away camp.  Our home was not an empty nest by any stretch but it was no longer a full house for that summer.  Certainly both a YAY moment and a yikes moment all wrapped up into one.  See, Justin's not the only genius to realize one can feel multiple emotions at the same time.

To tell you the truth, I had no memory of the conversation or of the moment until reading (skimming) Mom’s portion of the blog.  Reading it, and reflecting upon the newly recovered memory, I understand how significant the moment was in my life at the time.  I still remember some parts of camp, like the day we brought home Buckley the rabbit (RIP, I think).  But the moment described here, filled with emotion and significance at the time for everyone involved, was lost in the memory bank until today.  

What does that tell us?  Among other things, it tells us that moments that may seem significant, or earth-shattering, or life defining, or any other ridiculous adjective are, quite often, simply not.  I’m not sure if that’s a YAY or a yikes.  Maybe both?  It also tells us to take life’s moments into perspective.  It is hard to know just how significant (or, more likely, insignificant) a particular event, circumstance, conversation, etc. will shape up to be in the grand scheme of life. 

I try to live my life with this perspective in mind for a yikes moment.  I find it helps me manage my anxiety when I remind myself that a yikes is often nothing more than a blip in the radar in the grand scheme of things.  And, at the same time, I try to let myself feel the highs of a YAY, even if I realistically know that I am likely overstating the significance of the YAY in the moment.

So, Mom, I encourage you to enjoy every YAY in your life to the fullest (e.g., milestones in your book and the wedding of your favorite son) and diminish the significance of any yikes in your life, like when nobody reads your book.  (Your true fans will understand that reference one day soon….)    

My three favorite sons, my favorite grandcat, Gene, and Bello! Bob and Kevin

Clearly, I am the most serious member of our family - by far. I am grateful to my husband, Dan, for lightening things up in our home and for teaching our sons that they can be smart and silly. I couldn’t have asked for a better Mother’s Day gift and I’m so grateful to share it with all of you!

Wishing those who are mothers, mothers-to-be, or celebrating their own mothers a very happy Mother’s Day.

To all, I hope you take some of our ideas on your new adventures.